Over Due: New Moon Rant/Review

Okay, I really did not want to do this but this movie will not get out of my head until I voice my opinion.  Also for those curious, those dolls are Barbie made and very creepy.  Sold Out at Walmart.com.

–Here Goes–

New Moon is a movie that definitely is meant to cater only to young women.  I do not even believe that ‘mature’ women would enjoy this movie.  It is portrayed in such a way that it is immature and frightening at the same time.  I know women say men only like action and explosions but I can assure you that I can pay attention to a story.  Story is supposed to give you some character building so that you can form a sort of bond with the on screen protagonist.  The only thing this movie developed for me was a great hate for the main character, Bella Swan.  She is the epitome of a young woman who just does not understand how ignorant of life she is.  At some points in the movie I felt like the father should have just had her committed to an asylum. (Late night Dream Screaming)  What scared me the most however is that there are many young women out in the world who can identify with this character.  I hope my future female offspring does not turn out like this.

Moving on to what I as a man look for in a movie, THE ACTION.  The movie is about two hours and ten minutes and contains about three to five action scenes, some so short not sure you could count them.  Each scene is specially made to cater to its viewership, which are hormonal young women.  Sure the wolf animations are superb but they do not make up for how short the scenes are and that they really are just scenes of estrous fantasy.

Scene one has a female vampire (big character in series and in the first movie, forgot her name) being chased by the wolf pack.  It is pretty much a girls fantasy to be pursued by a multitude of naked men.  She gives an old man a heart attack and gets away.  Our first display of super speed portrayed in high frames per seconds Super Slow-Mo.

Action scene 2 is a big disappointment, Bella is approached by a Jamaican vampire from movie one who is going to kill her for the female vampire from part one but to the rescue comes the wolf pack.  We get maybe one or two punches and then they begin chase leaving the camera man to follow Bella.  This could have been a good chance to see what the vampires and wolves could do but all we get is Jacob saying yeah we killed that vampire and look how perky my nipples are.

We now get a scene where Bella approaches the wolf pack and slaps one of the guys because she thinks they made Jacob a wolf.  Well the werewolves in this movie are not full moon types, they are the “Don’t Make Me Angry” type.  Well he changes and then Jacob changes and they tussle for about three seconds before we are forced to follow Bella again to the alpha male’s home where you see he lost his temper once and scarred his wife’s face.  Then Jacob and the other wolf guy stroll in as if they just finished playing one on one basketball and all is well.  Another missed opportunity to display some supernatural action.

Now lets go to Italy where you finally get to see Edward take off ‘his’ shirt (although the wolf pack group never had a shirt on to take off) and twinkle twilight with his ‘emo’ expressionless facade amidst a parade of Vatican attired parishioners.  Thankfully this does not last long as they are then escorted to the old vampire group (Vulturi-They eat people) where **SPOILER** (who cares)  Dakota Fanning makes her appearance.  She has the ability to cause you pain just by saying it.  I guess that can be related to women saying words hurt more than actions.  We get a fight scene here cause the old vampires want to kill Bella and Edward protects her by getting his ass handed to him in a Super Slow-Mo fight meant to symbolize super fast movement. (to much Matrix) Well, to the rescue comes Bella willing to sacrifice herself for the boy(though he is over a hundred years old,  what is it with women and older men, that is statutory, her father is the police. </rant>)  she loves.  See this is why I hate this character, she is only eighteen years old and is ready to die for her first love, such ignorance and immaturity.  Please young women do not be this girl.  Live a little, experience life.  You are only eighteen.  I assure you this is “NOT” it.  Sorry M J.

And final scene; it looks like we might get some action.  Edward and Jacob look like they are gonna square off.  All the girls in the theater are squealing, thankfully Jacobs goes wolf so I no longer have to see so much man skin.  But Bella steps in, tells Jacob she would choose Edward over him and he leaves.  No action.  Then the words “Mary Me”, ROLL CREDITS.

The "300" diet works kiddies

Well If you made it this far then you definitely love a good rant.  I did a lot of complaining about this movie but this movie was not made for me.  But if you are gonna make a movie that a large group of people, outside your regular audience, are gonna be dragged to watch then please give throw us a bone.  For me, watching this movie is probably equivalent to a woman who does not like action movies being forced watching “Shoot’em Up” (Great Man movie by the Way, Sex scene with Ninjas, “giggidy”).  To sum this movie up.  It is a cash in.  The writers, producers, and directors know where the money is.  It’s in the pockets of horny, hormonal young women and the guys they drag with them who are hoping for a happy ending of their own.  I still wonder though,  my girlfriend says the last book is chock full of very vivid gratuitous sex scenes.  Hmm, sounds more interesting by the minute, but how are they gonna get a PG-13 rating this time and stay true to the book.  Well they have years to figure it out, and will probably do them like the action scenes in new moon, make them three seconds each.